“I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.” (Ecclesiastes 3: 9?-13)
Being happy and doing good are coupled, and the key to being truly happy is doing good. The opposite is also true; one can never be truly happy if they’re deliberately doing harm.
The US Constitution’s preamble calls the right to pursue happiness “inalienable”. Attaining it is never guaranteed. If you’ve been on the planet a while, you’ve no doubt seen how elusive it can be, and there’s a strange sort of paradox around it: People who focus on happiness wind up miserable. They chase the selfish ends of happiness for its own sake down many sad paths. Some are motivated by pure hedonism. Others pursue the status that comes from having a lot of money and having a lot of stuff. They think, because it’s what our culture has taught them, that money buys happiness. Most would never be so crass as to say it that way, of course. But it’s the driving force behind their actions—the empty vessel from which they vainly try to extract meaning.
“To be happy and to do good” nails it, because it’s only by focusing on doing good that people are truly happy! Happiness then, while it’s something we all want, is a byproduct of doing good.
This is not to say that we should never focus on ourselves. The best way to improve our worth to others is to improve ourselves. As Jesus said in Matthew 7:5,
“… first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Sometimes it can take long-term effort just to remove that plank from your own eye. I know. I used to have a whole lumber yard and am still working on it!
If you’ve got a lumberyard that you’re working on, it’s important to be patient with yourself; you will get there! Your heart’s in the right place, and that’s what matters most.
Reprogramming
“Lord I want to be more loving,
in my heart, in my heart …
Lord I want to be like Jesus,
In my heart, in my heart.” -African American Spiritual
People who value serving others are never averse to getting better at it. That’s a lot of what this blog is about. The thing that usually holds us back is us. It’s been said that when we look in the mirror we see both our best friend and worst enemy. So much of the enemy within is embedded in our subconscious.
We can carry limiting baggage from our past. The stuff that sticks with us most stubbornly is usually from childhood; they don’t call them “the formative years” for nothing. That baggage may have been unintentional and inflicted with love, but it’s there just the same. In trying to overcome it, the pace of progress can sometimes feel glacial. The neurological pathways our thoughts travel along are established early and can be difficult to change. Difficult, but possible! Research has shown that changing our thought patterns has observable physical effects on the brain as well as the body. The changes can be implemented by deliberately changing our self-talk.
The subconscious is like a big warehouse. It just stores information without judging it. Things that get repeated, for better and worse, get reinforced with each repetition.
We all have stuff buried in our subconscious that influences our thought processes every day. It’s the stuff that leads to harmful thoughts and actions—to ourselves and others—that needs to be sussed out and dealt with. Nearly all of us have running narratives in our heads. It’s not about getting rid of the narrative. It’s about making it our ally. That’s why the first step is paying attention to what you say when you talk to yourself!
The negative things in early childhood come from others. You can then join the put-down party by adding your own garbage to the pile. Once you identify the negatives it’s important to forgive those who put them there. Forgiveness is important, if only because failing to forgive ultimately hurts you the most.
In one of his lectures, self-improvement guru Wayne Dyer once started his talk by saying,
“I just want to say that your parents loved your sister more than you. You don’t have a sister? Well, they wanted one. And they would have loved her more.”
His point was that it’s time to get over it.
This is easier for some than others. Some people’s childhoods were characterized, even defined, by abuse. If that’s you, forgiving may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But as with all challenges, the more difficult they are, the greater the benefits when they are overcome! It can take a long time and may never be fully accomplished. To be honest, I’m not sure that the most severe abuses ever can, or should, be fully forgiven. In these extreme circumstances it is essential to at least learn to manage them—to tame the beast within, as it were. The person who does nothing more than wear the moniker “victim” like a badge will not be able to help others. The person who learns to define themselves as an overcomer can help others do the same.
This blog comes under “self-improvement” rather than “self-help”. While the self-improvement industry has helped countless people lead fuller, happier and more meaningful lives, “self-help” can be a dangerously misleading term. People who suffer from serious challenges, like severe PTSD or mental illness, need professional guidance. Turning to self-help materials as the sole source is a mistake that can potentially have horrible consequences. This applies to people who suffered from severe abuses as children. If that’s you, you can certainly read this and other materials, but it should be done in conjunction with and under the guidance of a trained therapist.
My mother and father were good people who had less than ideal childhoods. But they were overcomers. While I never discussed it with either of them, I’m sure that, consciously or otherwise, they resolved to give their children better childhoods than they had. And they did. Bless them.
But they also imprinted some crap. One of the things that Mom (who was one of the wisest people I ever knew) used to say was, “People disappoint”, or sometimes even, “People disappoint, period”.
Looking back, I’m sure it came from childhood experiences. Her mother was cold and distant. I can only imagine the pain Mom felt from not feeling the love and warmth that all children need.
I carried Mom’s mantra with me well into adulthood (I’ve never claimed to be the quickest study.). Then one day it finally hit me: People disappoint, eh? Well, I’m a “people” too, so I must disappoint just as all people do! If I hope to be forgiven for the ways I’ve disappointed others, I must first learn to forgive those who’ve disappointed me!
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Do you want to be an overcomer? Do you want to be more loving, more like Jesus? If so, you already have the most important part: the desire to be better. So it’s all about the doing of it. I firmly believe, because I’ve seen how it has worked and continues to work in my life and the lives of others, that the single most valuable thing you can do in terms of effort-to-reward ratio, is to commit to reading from positive sources for fifteen minutes every day. It really works like magic! (Alternatives to reading will be discussed shortly.)
You’ve no doubt heard of the self-improvement industry. You might also have heard some cynical comments about it, like, “Oh. That ‘rah-rah’ garbage.” To these cynics I’d simply say that when the rest of the world is wrong and you’re right, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate. Estimates vary, but most currently estimate the self-improvement industry to be generating about $45 billion in annual sales globally, with projections of growth going as high as doubling in the next decade. Clearly, a lot of people see the value of self-improvement materials. So find out for yourself. Don’t give the cynics power to drag you down to their level. Success comes in cans. Failure comes in can nots.
Unless you’re already doing it, it’s a new habit, so it can take effort and a bit of self-discipline to establish. Here’s where discipline really counts: commit to reading every day. And then do it whether you feel like it or not!
“Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.” —Julie Andrews
In committing and sticking to it, you’re sending your brain what might be as important as the content that you’re reading. The message that you keep sending and reinforcing is, “This is really important to me!”
I’d suggest, if possible, scheduling your reading for the same time each day. First thing in the morning can become preparation for the day ahead. If your mornings are already crammed, pick a different time, or just get up fifteen minutes earlier.
I think you’re likely to notice an appreciative difference, but here’s the rub: No two brains are identical, so what works for one might not work in exactly the same way for another. I found that, so long as I did it every day, fifteen minutes of reading did the trick. Others may need to tweak this model to get it to work for them.
Since no two brains are identical, what works for some may not work for all. For me, reading is most impactful. There’s something about the information entering through the eye gate that just seems to hit the right part of my brain. Reading may not have the same impact on you. For some, listening may have the most power. Whether listening works best as your main source or a supplement, the good news is that it can literally take no time out of your day. If you commute there’s a good chance that the time is mostly wasted. By listening to self-improvement materials you can transform your car into a “Self-Improvement University on Wheels.”
Again, there is a host of great materials available. I mentioned Wayne Dyer. The first self-improvement I ever listened to was his “No Limit Person” series. It’s powerful, and Dyer’s sense of humor makes listening a lot of fun! There are tons of other resources out there; self-improvement podcasts and audiobooks can also be very effective.
Another option that some have used with great success is journaling. Keeping a daily log of your thoughts, goals, and progress is something that lots of people swear by. It never worked that well for me personally. But hey, we’ve already said that no two brains are alike. So find a plan that works best for you. The only hard and set rule is to do it every day.
We all have the same twenty-four hours every day. When people say they’re too busy to do something, what they’re really saying is that they don’t see it as important enough to prioritize. If you’re so busy that any set time is inconvenient, all the better! You’ll be sending your brain a message that this is important enough to set other things aside for a few minutes each day. Author Stephen Covey saw it as essential and called it “Sharpening the Saw” (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
Similarly, Abraham Lincoln had this to say:
“Give me six hours to chop down a tree, and I will spend the first four sharpening my ax.”
You probably won’t see great results immediately. Just like the negative stuff in your subconscious that you want to change, the effect is cumulative. Here’s my challenge to you: commit to fifteen minutes every day and see if you don’t begin to feel a real difference within just a few weeks! Will it be worth it? You’ll only know if you try it. Millions have sworn by it, and think about it: Isn’t it worth committing to for a few weeks? You’re not just busy, you’re slammed, all the time, right? Don’t you think it might be worth a tiny fraction of your waking hours for a few weeks to try what countless others say has totally transformed their lives?
The sources are countless, and it’s as much about quantity as quality. Do a web search of self-improvement materials. New and wonderful books are coming out all the time. While I’ve read some of them, maybe it’s just because I’m an old guy that I prefer the old classics, which if you’ve never read them can be a good place to start. While the language and particulars may change, the principles are timeless. Here a few suggestions to help you get started:
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” (Dale Carnegie. It’s had many incarnations. 1st edition was 1936, published by Simon and Schuster.) is a great one that can truly help everyone. Its message continues to resonate, and courses of the same name are still taught to this day.
“Think and Grow Rich” (Napoleon Hill – various publishers. 1st edition, 1937 by The Ralston Society) was the best-selling self-improvement book of the twentieth century. It’s important to understand that “rich” can be seen as a holistic term, applicable to much more than just money.
I’ve already mentioned “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” (Stephen R Covey – 1st edition, 1989, Simon & Schuster), and in the first post, “The Power of Positive Thinking” (Norman Vincent Peale – Various publishers. 1st edition, 1952, Prentice-Hall)
Biographies of people you admire can also be a great source. And of course, there’s always the greatest-selling book of all time!
There will be more on self-improvement. I’m not sure where this will eventually go.Stay tuned! One possibility would be to create a page here, or a group via email, where suggestions and results can be shared. Is that something that would be worth people’s while?
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